Lazy

I think I've talked about this one before.  But I will talk about it again anyways.

I used to go to a t.b.i. support group on Saturdays run by one of us.  We used to talk about stuff that got in our way and how to work around that stuff.

One Saturday [or maybe more than one Saturday] I was talking about my laziness.  The survivor-facilitator encouraged me to think of this as something that came out of my brain damage i.e. my messed up neurology.  I rejected this and still do reject this thinking.  Here's why.

If I claim that something is organic and arising from my traumatic brain injury, then I am saying that it cannot be fixed.  That I have to work around it.  I refuse to believe this of my laziness.

I am willing to admit that perhaps the brain injury made my laziness worse, or makes it harder to deal with.  I know I have some problems with initiation now.  That I can identify as being from the brain damage.  I know that I also have brain-related fatigue and that particular ailment called "fibro" as evidenced by all of the trigger points that I have.  Fine.  But laziness as a function of my brain damage? -- no.

My laziness is mine.  I own it.  You will not deprive me of it.  When I say that I am lazy and not "my brain damage causes me to be inert," I am claiming some hope for myself that I can change this.  So yeah, I am lazy.

What do I mean when I say I am lazy? I am lazy about doing housework, throwing out stuff, organizing my belongings. And not lazy? I am not lazy about walking the dog, doing laundry, doing anything on the computer.  In other words, if I like it I will do it.  If it is not interesting, I won't.

I've tried to make charts and todo lists of stuff to do everyday-- like organizing, throwing away papers, and some form of housework.  The end result is that I can make wonderful charts.  I just cannot follow them.  [This may be related to my inability to follow a pattern for crochet but I can make my own patterns].  So the chart thing just isn't working for me at this time.  I've tried "attaching emotion" to the stuff I want to get done, like playing music during housework [suggested in the t.b.i. support group] but I would forget to play the music.  The end result was I didn't get much of any housework done.

I've read in a few places that developing a new habit takes thirty days or something.  The new approach is to take each thing that I want to do and endeavor to do it every weekday.  I've actually had better success with that. 

I am also tapping into my determination.  That same determination that I used in order to learn how to rewrite understandable sentences is still available to me today.  That same determination that drives me to research a story or event or organization is part of me.  That same determination that caused the head of investigations at my own job to refer to me as a bulldog did not die during my car accident.  I know I am determined.  Choosing to use my determination to combat my laziness is working for me.  And that is what I am doing.

Things may be more difficult for me to accomplish at times due to complications from my brain injury.  I do have problems with initiation, organization, and fatigue.  I also have this determination stuff.  If I believe that I am more than my problems, then I can do more than my problems.  I do not have to live like an blob void of all adult responsibility, only doing stuff that I want to do and ignoring the rest.  This is not a fantasy land.  Houses get dirty and disorganized when not taken care of.  Even if I was to hire a housekeeper [again-- I had one for awhile a few summers ago when things were bad], there is still stuff that I have to do.

So I am using my determination in order to conquer my laziness.  And screw the rest.

sapphoq healing t.b.i.