Self-Esteem

with much thanks to Nathaniel Branden. His website is located at: http://nathanielbranden.com/ 


     When I got my traumatic brain injury, I was fortunate that my self-esteem was already in fairly decent shape. Some years prior to my accident, I had happened upon Nathaniel Branden's writing and read his books avidly. I used the complete the sentences program that I found in the back of most of his books, I did the work, I took action and -- tada !-- my self-esteem improved.

     Two acquaintances of mine are now facing health crises that may potentially leave them with some degree of disability. That sucks. [N.B. Being able to get competent medical care does not suck.] Not everything can realistically be greeted with cries of "Happy Happy Joy Joy" nor should it be. Knowing is preferable to not knowing. At the very least, one can make certain decisions about the future that way. 

     It is my sincerely held belief that those of us who have faced any sort of disability or change in our health status with adequate self-esteem are better equipped to deal with the unexpected than those of us who suffer from lack of good-enough self-esteem. Having a sense of efficacy that I will be able to face any situation that I have to helped me to quell the panic with a search for everything that I could find out about traumatic brain injury. Living consciously enabled me to recognize my need for assistance and to ask for it as needed. Self-acceptance supported me in coming to grips with my disabilities as well as with my abilities. 

     Because my self-esteem is based on the stuff inside me that enabled me to get the stuff I got [which includes relationships with others as well as other stuff] rather than the stuff itself, I was far better off than someone who bases their self-feeling on what they do or what they have. Because my self-esteem is not based on the esteem of others, when a few of my long-cherished friendships came to an end due to my brain damage I survived anyway. I was able to come to terms with what parts was mine [my responsibility] and what parts were not mine.

     If you are facing challenges due to a brain injury or other neurological condition or any other health crisis, I encourage you to read some Nathaniel Branden. Then, do the work that is necessary to raise your self-esteem. It helps. 

sapphoq healing t.b.i. notes that: There are some things that some folks disagree with Nathaniel Branden about. This is natural and not a good reason to avoid his writing. Nathaniel Branden is an objectivist who had an affair with his mentor Ayn Rand. He is also an atheist and a libertarian. None of those things are a problem for me but they may be for you, I do not know. The two things that I do not agree with him on are his idea that hetero-love is superior to nonhetero-love; and his ideas on recovery and on surviving childhood abuse. There are many other things that I do agree with Nathaniel Branden on and those things far outweigh our differences. I say, give yourself a break and investigate what he has to say before deciding that it is not useful to you.

Forgive THIS or Against Forgiveness

A note on why this post is in this blog rather than one of my other ones: The article that prompted me to write this entry was twittered by someone in the brain rehab field.  I deal with the effects of my brain damage daily.  I thought this entry fit best here.  SAP

Forgiveness has become cheapened. 

We the entirely selfish self-centered ones have come to believe that forgiveness is something that we do to other people so that we feel better.  Furthermore, we engage in forgiving other people, whether they asked for our forgiveness or not; or have a suspect motive for the asking.  And we think that forgiveness is necessary to our peace of mind after victimization.  Naturally, the experts tell us that we cannot be mentally healthy if we do not forgive.

Forgiveness is not supposed to be a "feel good" process.  If I do not feel good about something that happened to me, you, or the world, forgiving the perpetrator or perpetrators is an exercise in mental masturbation.  The serial rapist will live to set fires and to rape again until caught.  The staff at the behavioral facility will continue to beat kids and teens in their charge.  The corrupt government will continue to spy upon its' citizens and silence the dissidents.  There should not be any "feel good" in knowing that these things will continue whether I engage in a psychological thought-twisting of questionable value or not.  What is clearly needed here is direct and meaningful action.

In the examples listed above of the serial rapist, the abusing staff, the corrupt goverment, none of these entities are asking for our forgiveness unless it is convenient to them to do so e.g. hope for possible avoidance of an arrest, a lawsuit, or a riot.  Even if they do ask for forgiveness, they have an ulterior motive.  To forgive in these circumstances-- unbidden, or when there is a suspect need on the part of the offender to have us declare our forgiveness-- is a betrayal of the self.  Not everyone has my best interest at heart, nor do they have to.  We are each of us alone in our own skins.  I will not bear false witness against my self in order to benefit you. 

Through life, there are events in which we have been the victim.  I was a victim.  I was a victim of abuse, rape, a house fire caused by an arsonist, a serious motor vehicle accident caused by an agressive and irresponsible driver.  I have not forgiven my abusers or my rapists or the arsonist or the man who inflicted me with the brain damage (a.k.a. traumatic brain injury) which has profoundly altered my life.  For one, they didn't ask.  And two, I don't feel a need to do so.  I am not full of bitterness.  I live a very full life.  I am happy. 

I have accepted that these events have happened to me. I cannot go back and undo what has been done.  This is reality.  The abuse was real.  The rapes happened.  The apartment building burned down to the ground.  The car got slammed into a house.  I do not accept that this stuff  "had to happen," or that "there is a reason" for them happening, or that they happened so I can "help others that those things [will] happen to," or that there a "benevolent gawd" wanted these things to happen, or that any gods "did it."  People did it.  Deities had nothing to do with it.  Ohhhhh, I sound angry. Yeah, I am angry. 

Why? because I am sick to death of people telling me or insisting to me that-- insert word of your choosing: the abuse, the rapes, the accident, any other word-- is indicative of a Grand Scheme which somehow gives meaning to my life and troubles.  I didn't believe those things when I was a believer.  I still don't.  And by the way, this whole notion of  "it happened so you could learn a lesson from it" is borrowed from the New Agers.

I have made my peace with the changes created in my life by the abuse, house fire, rapes, and my brain damage.  There is a deeper anger in my life.  I have lived through gross injustice.  The arsonist was never arrested.  The rapist that I was able to report got away with it. I have experienced the injustice of people getting paid off to look in the other direction.  I have lived through the injustice of paying for what someone else did to me.  I am angry when others experience injustice.  Stewing about it does not help.  Direct action helps.

 I am at times full of anger.  I consider anger to be part of the human experience.  I am not afraid of my anger.  My anger creates change.  I channel my anger into direct action to aid others in systems change. My anger informs me that something is wrong, not right, up, needs looking after.  My anger is crystal clear, not muddied.  Anger is my truest friend.  Anger, my anger at my situations and circumstances, is what propelled me into writing and submitting my writing so it could get published.  Anger was one of the factors that led me to setting up blogs.  Anger tells me that rather than feel helpless, I can join with others who are doing something about injustice.  And I have.  And will continue to do so.  My anger has saved me from internal implosion.  In choosing what I want to fight against and how I want to fight, I found more community.  And finding community can be a wonderful thing.

My peace of mind did not flow from forgiveness.  Because I did not forgive.  I wasn't asked to forgive the abuser, rapists, arsonist, guy who caused my car accident.  I don't have to forgive them.  [Only one person asked for my forgiveness: my primary care doctor asked for my forgiveness on behalf of all medical practitioners when I first told him about the professional who raped me].  Today, I am indifferent to their continued existances.  They are not in my life today.  I am certainly not going to go out of my way to forgive them.  Nor am I going to seek their forgiveness because "I had a resentment" against them in the past. 

I found my peace of mind from the work that I did in trauma-specific counseling.  I found self-esteem in spite of my trauma-specific counseling when I stumbled upon Nathanial Branden.  [Long story:  I will just say that there are times when the mental health professionals are crazier than their clients are].  I read The Pillar of Self-Esteem and many of his other books.  I did the self-esteem programs in the back of some of Nathaniel Branden's books.  I chose to put many of the things he talked about into practice.  After some healing from reaching inside myself, I found more healing as I was able to reach outside of myself.  The final healing is on-going.  I create healing when I connect with others in a fight against injustice and for freedom.

sapphoq healing t.b.i.





One blogger who wrote about it:
http://relentlessabundance.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/the-argument-against-forgiveness/

And another blogger:
http://itself.wordpress.com/2011/05/18/against-forgiveness/

Oh but we must forgive in order to experience good mental health:
http://www.guidetopsychology.com/forgive.htm

Even the Mayo clinic does forgiveness now:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

The article that got me to write this blog post:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heart-and-soul-healing/201301/9-steps-forgiveness

Non:sectarian definition of New Age:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Age

Sectarian definition of the New Age:
http://carm.org/new-age-what

surprise- I AM WHAT I AM 2/22/07

Here is this week's blinkie. Some folks think of Popeye the Sailor Man when they hear or read this phrase. I think of La Cage aux Folles.

In life, not everyone wishes us well. If we are really honest within our selves, we don't wish everyone else well either. We do not have to love everyone today. Nathaniel Branden calls that "spiritual promiscuity" and I quite agree with him.

If your self-esteem has been bruised and battered, you might benefit from some of the books written by him. You may not agree with everything he says. [Trauma survivors in particular may disagree with some of his material]. You may not have the same politics or spiritual outlook. [He is a libertarian and an atheist]. You may not be of the same social class or sexual orientation [He is rich and definitely a total heterosexual].

I found Nathaniel Branden's work pre-t.b.i. And because I engage in practicing the six pillars of self-esteem, when really bad crap happens I don't give up.

Here's to hoping that none of us give up-- ever!

sapphoq healing tbi