Forgive THIS or Against Forgiveness

A note on why this post is in this blog rather than one of my other ones: The article that prompted me to write this entry was twittered by someone in the brain rehab field.  I deal with the effects of my brain damage daily.  I thought this entry fit best here.  SAP

Forgiveness has become cheapened. 

We the entirely selfish self-centered ones have come to believe that forgiveness is something that we do to other people so that we feel better.  Furthermore, we engage in forgiving other people, whether they asked for our forgiveness or not; or have a suspect motive for the asking.  And we think that forgiveness is necessary to our peace of mind after victimization.  Naturally, the experts tell us that we cannot be mentally healthy if we do not forgive.

Forgiveness is not supposed to be a "feel good" process.  If I do not feel good about something that happened to me, you, or the world, forgiving the perpetrator or perpetrators is an exercise in mental masturbation.  The serial rapist will live to set fires and to rape again until caught.  The staff at the behavioral facility will continue to beat kids and teens in their charge.  The corrupt government will continue to spy upon its' citizens and silence the dissidents.  There should not be any "feel good" in knowing that these things will continue whether I engage in a psychological thought-twisting of questionable value or not.  What is clearly needed here is direct and meaningful action.

In the examples listed above of the serial rapist, the abusing staff, the corrupt goverment, none of these entities are asking for our forgiveness unless it is convenient to them to do so e.g. hope for possible avoidance of an arrest, a lawsuit, or a riot.  Even if they do ask for forgiveness, they have an ulterior motive.  To forgive in these circumstances-- unbidden, or when there is a suspect need on the part of the offender to have us declare our forgiveness-- is a betrayal of the self.  Not everyone has my best interest at heart, nor do they have to.  We are each of us alone in our own skins.  I will not bear false witness against my self in order to benefit you. 

Through life, there are events in which we have been the victim.  I was a victim.  I was a victim of abuse, rape, a house fire caused by an arsonist, a serious motor vehicle accident caused by an agressive and irresponsible driver.  I have not forgiven my abusers or my rapists or the arsonist or the man who inflicted me with the brain damage (a.k.a. traumatic brain injury) which has profoundly altered my life.  For one, they didn't ask.  And two, I don't feel a need to do so.  I am not full of bitterness.  I live a very full life.  I am happy. 

I have accepted that these events have happened to me. I cannot go back and undo what has been done.  This is reality.  The abuse was real.  The rapes happened.  The apartment building burned down to the ground.  The car got slammed into a house.  I do not accept that this stuff  "had to happen," or that "there is a reason" for them happening, or that they happened so I can "help others that those things [will] happen to," or that there a "benevolent gawd" wanted these things to happen, or that any gods "did it."  People did it.  Deities had nothing to do with it.  Ohhhhh, I sound angry. Yeah, I am angry. 

Why? because I am sick to death of people telling me or insisting to me that-- insert word of your choosing: the abuse, the rapes, the accident, any other word-- is indicative of a Grand Scheme which somehow gives meaning to my life and troubles.  I didn't believe those things when I was a believer.  I still don't.  And by the way, this whole notion of  "it happened so you could learn a lesson from it" is borrowed from the New Agers.

I have made my peace with the changes created in my life by the abuse, house fire, rapes, and my brain damage.  There is a deeper anger in my life.  I have lived through gross injustice.  The arsonist was never arrested.  The rapist that I was able to report got away with it. I have experienced the injustice of people getting paid off to look in the other direction.  I have lived through the injustice of paying for what someone else did to me.  I am angry when others experience injustice.  Stewing about it does not help.  Direct action helps.

 I am at times full of anger.  I consider anger to be part of the human experience.  I am not afraid of my anger.  My anger creates change.  I channel my anger into direct action to aid others in systems change. My anger informs me that something is wrong, not right, up, needs looking after.  My anger is crystal clear, not muddied.  Anger is my truest friend.  Anger, my anger at my situations and circumstances, is what propelled me into writing and submitting my writing so it could get published.  Anger was one of the factors that led me to setting up blogs.  Anger tells me that rather than feel helpless, I can join with others who are doing something about injustice.  And I have.  And will continue to do so.  My anger has saved me from internal implosion.  In choosing what I want to fight against and how I want to fight, I found more community.  And finding community can be a wonderful thing.

My peace of mind did not flow from forgiveness.  Because I did not forgive.  I wasn't asked to forgive the abuser, rapists, arsonist, guy who caused my car accident.  I don't have to forgive them.  [Only one person asked for my forgiveness: my primary care doctor asked for my forgiveness on behalf of all medical practitioners when I first told him about the professional who raped me].  Today, I am indifferent to their continued existances.  They are not in my life today.  I am certainly not going to go out of my way to forgive them.  Nor am I going to seek their forgiveness because "I had a resentment" against them in the past. 

I found my peace of mind from the work that I did in trauma-specific counseling.  I found self-esteem in spite of my trauma-specific counseling when I stumbled upon Nathanial Branden.  [Long story:  I will just say that there are times when the mental health professionals are crazier than their clients are].  I read The Pillar of Self-Esteem and many of his other books.  I did the self-esteem programs in the back of some of Nathaniel Branden's books.  I chose to put many of the things he talked about into practice.  After some healing from reaching inside myself, I found more healing as I was able to reach outside of myself.  The final healing is on-going.  I create healing when I connect with others in a fight against injustice and for freedom.

sapphoq healing t.b.i.





One blogger who wrote about it:
http://relentlessabundance.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/the-argument-against-forgiveness/

And another blogger:
http://itself.wordpress.com/2011/05/18/against-forgiveness/

Oh but we must forgive in order to experience good mental health:
http://www.guidetopsychology.com/forgive.htm

Even the Mayo clinic does forgiveness now:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

The article that got me to write this blog post:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heart-and-soul-healing/201301/9-steps-forgiveness

Non:sectarian definition of New Age:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Age

Sectarian definition of the New Age:
http://carm.org/new-age-what

On Forgiveness

*This blog entry is dedicated to Holly wherever you may be.*

Forgiveness is not something I extend to others without being asked for it. Nor is it something that I "do" for the sake of my own well-being.

Until I was able to accept the premise of the basic humanity of all human beings on this earth, I was unable to forgive either my self or those people who came seeking my forgiveness. Nor was I able to ask forgiveness of those I had wronged by my actions.

Within my own way of being, forgiveness is conditional upon several things. The biggest thing is that the behavior that causes the injury has to stop. When I go to a human being seeking forgiveness and then repeat the action that I am seeking forgiveness for, I am making a mockery. Inherent to the admission of my wrong-doing is a promise that I will stop doing the wrong thing. Likewise, when someone seeks me out and asks for my forgiveness, my forgiveness is predicated upon the condition that they will quit doing the thing that they are asking forgiveness for.

I also don't do blanket forgiveness. I endorse the direct approach. When I cause injury to another human being, I don't expect to be forgiven without asking. Nor do I forgive others unless I am asked. I am not obligated to forgive anyone who is not seeking my forgiveness. Some people do not want it. In the same vein, I am responsible to seek out those from whom I want forgiveness. My rapist has never sought me out to ask for my forgiveness for his actions. Nor have I sought him out to ask for his forgiveness because I remained actively pissed off at him for a number of years. I don't know where he is today. My sincere hope is that he is rotting in a prison cell somewhere, cut off from his access to women.

The man who rammed my car into a house causing my traumatic brain injury did ask for my forgiveness in court before his sentencing to a year in county. As long as he remains a non-driver, I am willing to forgive the part of him that did not know any better. Once he starts a car and drives off, my forgiveness is instantly terminated. I am not in touch with this man so I have no way of knowing whether or not he made good on his promise to surrender his driver's license. I only hope he has for the sake of drivers everywhere.

My mother has never acknowledged her physical and emotional abuse of me as a child and teen. She may not ever. I am not obligated to forgive her. She continues to play her mind games. In the interest of my own health and well-being, I limit my time and involvement with her. I don't dwell on the past history that my mother and I have between us. (Therapy helped me heal from that). I do protect my self from further harm. On the other hand, my step-father did make his amends. He was in a hospital bed in I.C.U. and he thought he was going to die. He said he was sorry that things were difficult between us when I was younger. I forgave him. He didn't die then, but the forgiveness stuck. Our relationship for the remaining years of his life changed for the better.

And finally, I consider some things to be "too big" to forgive. Those things which fall under that category are extraordinary events such as rape, systemic abuse, and arson. I am not Superwoman. I am no saint. I am an average human being.

To wrap this up, there is one human being that I am no longer in touch with whose forgiveness I seek. Holly from Jersey City, if you happen upon this blog, I am sincerely sorry for getting the other summer day camp kids started on calling you "four-fingered Holly." That was mean. I knew better at the time but I did it anyways. I didn't have the guts to apologize when you bolted off the van that day and I didn't have the guts to stop doing it. I don't know where you are now or what you are doing. I have no way of finding you. Instead I write these words. It is to you that this blog entry is dedicated.

sapphoq healing t.b.i.