When the Helping Professionals Fail

     There are some general facts to which I subscribe and which are responsible to a large degree for my thinking and actions in certain key areas in my life.


a). The government is not responsible for my health, welfare, or happiness.
b). No other agency is either.
c). If I want something different, then I have to do something different.
d). It takes courage to ask for help.
e). It takes guts to get out when said help is becoming a hindrance.




     Within the past decade or so, I have experienced repeated actions of a particular agency-- whose described mission is to foster vocational rehabilitation among the disabled population who it claims to serve-- which appear to be contrary to its stated mission. The last straw was the supposed procurement of part-time work that I could have performed at home during my own scheduled hours. The job was temporary and seasonal. Although I'd been led to believe erroneously that the work itself would employ my ability to doctor photos [and it actually would not], I was willing to give it a go anyway.


     It was not to be. Contract was supposed to start mid-September until the work ran out sometime in December. I would have had bits of things to do throughout the year after that until the next cycle of mid-September through December [the busy time] and so on.


     State agency had to do its paperwork. Sister agency that was going to pay me for the first one hundred hours or so had to do its paperwork. Meetings had to be held. It became mid-October. Nothing was happening. I received word yesterday that my services would not be needed after all.


     I don't blame the employer for backing out. Business is business. Employer needed someone from mid-September, not from mid-October or afterwards. Neither is this one my fault. No love to the bean counters and pencil pushers for this state of affairs.


sapphoq healing t.b.i. says: I have referred myself to my own factoid labeled e). It takes guts to get out when said help is becoming a hindrance. I'm out. I have other options today. Screw your broken system. If you aren't going to help me, then get out of my way. 

Stuff Your Use of the Phrase "Special Needs"

     I don't like it. Not a bit. What is so "special" about the "needs" of disabled people? Of communities of disabled people? Yes, I have a traumatic brain injury. Yes, that means I have brain damage. But my needs are the same needs that everyone else has.

     It all relates to F.-S.P.I.E.S.

Financial
Social
Physical
Intellectual
Emotional
Spiritual

     Financial-- We all need money or something to exchange for goods and services.

     Social-- We all need acquaintances, friendly folks, and friends. [Even if it is one friend].

     Physical-- We all need clothing, shelter, nutrition. We all need to navigate our environment. And we all need exercise.

     Intellectual-- We all need intellectual stimulation.

     Emotional-- We all need connection.

     Spiritual-- We all need awe or beauty.

     All of you temporarily abled people can take the phrase "special needs" and stuff it along with the ideas that we ought to "Fight Against Autism," make clucking noises over the "stigma of mental illness," and declare all kinds of conditions to be "a brain disease."

     Screw that. Screw all of it. 

     We, the disabled, have the right to name ourselves as we see fit. You, the non-disabled, do not have the right to invent fancy little demeaning labels. Take your words and your puzzle pieces and your nonsense away. We reject your control over our lives. 

     ~ sapphoq healing complications from brain damage

Self-Esteem

with much thanks to Nathaniel Branden. His website is located at: http://nathanielbranden.com/ 


     When I got my traumatic brain injury, I was fortunate that my self-esteem was already in fairly decent shape. Some years prior to my accident, I had happened upon Nathaniel Branden's writing and read his books avidly. I used the complete the sentences program that I found in the back of most of his books, I did the work, I took action and -- tada !-- my self-esteem improved.

     Two acquaintances of mine are now facing health crises that may potentially leave them with some degree of disability. That sucks. [N.B. Being able to get competent medical care does not suck.] Not everything can realistically be greeted with cries of "Happy Happy Joy Joy" nor should it be. Knowing is preferable to not knowing. At the very least, one can make certain decisions about the future that way. 

     It is my sincerely held belief that those of us who have faced any sort of disability or change in our health status with adequate self-esteem are better equipped to deal with the unexpected than those of us who suffer from lack of good-enough self-esteem. Having a sense of efficacy that I will be able to face any situation that I have to helped me to quell the panic with a search for everything that I could find out about traumatic brain injury. Living consciously enabled me to recognize my need for assistance and to ask for it as needed. Self-acceptance supported me in coming to grips with my disabilities as well as with my abilities. 

     Because my self-esteem is based on the stuff inside me that enabled me to get the stuff I got [which includes relationships with others as well as other stuff] rather than the stuff itself, I was far better off than someone who bases their self-feeling on what they do or what they have. Because my self-esteem is not based on the esteem of others, when a few of my long-cherished friendships came to an end due to my brain damage I survived anyway. I was able to come to terms with what parts was mine [my responsibility] and what parts were not mine.

     If you are facing challenges due to a brain injury or other neurological condition or any other health crisis, I encourage you to read some Nathaniel Branden. Then, do the work that is necessary to raise your self-esteem. It helps. 

sapphoq healing t.b.i. notes that: There are some things that some folks disagree with Nathaniel Branden about. This is natural and not a good reason to avoid his writing. Nathaniel Branden is an objectivist who had an affair with his mentor Ayn Rand. He is also an atheist and a libertarian. None of those things are a problem for me but they may be for you, I do not know. The two things that I do not agree with him on are his idea that hetero-love is superior to nonhetero-love; and his ideas on recovery and on surviving childhood abuse. There are many other things that I do agree with Nathaniel Branden on and those things far outweigh our differences. I say, give yourself a break and investigate what he has to say before deciding that it is not useful to you.

It's My Brain, Stupid

You should be satisfied.  You should be satisfied by the crumbs we offer you as we hide behind our desks eating cake.
FUTA.

You should be mesmerized.  You should be mesmerized by the amount of names of big wigs in the field that we toss around in your presence as we engage in mental masturbation in public with no shame.
Unenthusiastic. 

You should be enthusiastic.  You should be enthusiastic about cleaning up kitten shit and then being tested to see if you can remember to initial a place in the notebook where you gave the sick kitten medicine.
Checking my totem.

You should be grateful.  You should be grateful when we offer to get you a ripoff "job" assembling products at home.
Krite.

You should be motivated.  You should be motivated by the idea of listening to a thousand call-in center conversations and transferring them into text.
Enraged. 

You should be awestruck.  You should be awestruck  because we were staff at a community residence for individuals with a traumatic brain injury.
Disgusted.



sapphoq healing traumatic brain injury says: This is Briella.  Who is Briella, you say?  It's my brain, stupid.  But not just and only my fractured brain.  My fractured dreams.  My fractured life.  This is my obsession.  Not to start over again at the bottom rung with your  sour vomitus directions about how to engage in faux-normality.  Your goals are not my goals.  If you want me to invest in something, then give me something to invest in.  If you are not going to help me, then don't hinder me.  Just get out of my way.   I am done with your platitudes.  Your handouts are poisonous.  This is my time to shine.  Get off of the stage.




     

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel that I hate you.  You have interrupted my career, cost me my livelihood, made for numerous fights about money and the lack thereof now that I can no longer work full-time.  I am tired.


I am tired of being tired, tired of having to explain why it is that I do not understand this or can no longer do that safely.  I am tired of the betrayal.  You robbed me.  Damn you.


I am no saint.  There is never a time when I feel that I love you.  But there are times when I know that I notice the little things more-- the touch of a lover, the song of a bird, flowers blooming, weather shifts, the moon.  I am alive and that sure beats the alternative.


Sometimes I tell myself and others that my brain's name is now Briella-- still brilliant but a bit twisted and sideways.


Sometimes I mourn the old, sometimes I celebrate the new, sometimes I can just be.

sapphoq healing tbi