Some physician somewhere that I had to go see-- and I don't remember which one although I suspect it was the no-fault insurance company doctor. No-fault means "It ain't our fault so we ain't paying"-- gallantly informed me that since there was 'nothing wrong' with my inner ears ergo I do not have any balance problems. Dude clearly hadn't seen me in action. I can fall on level ground.
The needle-sticking neuro-doc directed me to tell him right away if I ever got dizzy. I wasn't dizzy. The room was dizzy and slid slowly to the left. Still does. He didn't ask me to speak up if the room got dizzy. So I never told him. Hey.
It was the chiro-doc who first educated me about the two vertigos. The internal vertigo means I am dizzy. The external vertigo means the room is dizzy. I have the second one. The room slides slowly to the left all of the time. During attacks of vertigo [and I've had a few of them], the room twirls to my left a bit faster than usual and also bobs up and down like ocean waves. The room and everything slides to the left. I fall to the right.
Yes, I fall more often these days. The latest fall involved a spill off of a step. I landed *s p l a t* on the hard earth. My lower legs resembled purple sleeves. There were also some lumps. After a week, I went to the primary care doc.
"Leukemia?" I asked.
"What?!?"
"The bruises. And the lumps." I pointed to my lower legs. "I'm going to have lumpy legs forever."
The anxiety was pre-injury but let us just say that the t.b.i. did not improve that aspect of my psyche.
I don't have leukemia. Armed with an explanation of exactly how bruising and lumps work, I left fortified with the knowledge that this may take up to two months to heal.
I did mention that I went *s p l a t*.
"You aren't using your cane," a buddy of mine accused me later.
I shrugged. I've fallen with the cane too.
sapphoq healing traumatic brain injury says: Balance is one of those things that can be worked at and I do. Even so, I still go
*s p l a t* once in awhile. No reason to quit. I keep striving.
Most of the time, the cane stands by the chair in a corner. It is there for when I perceive that I need it. I've come to suspect that I need it more than I am using it.
The cane was suggested to me as an alternative to a disabled parking permit. I kept falling. When I fall, I almost always fall to my right side. I used the cane extensively at first.
Summer came and with it my first pair of a certain kind of sandals. Those sandals did wonders for me. The first pair lasted me five years. I went cross-country with them by myself for three weeks. I was still falling with them, but less.
Time passes. I got a second pair of those sandals. I used the cane less. The dog keeps me upright when we walk together. I don't fall with her now.
A friend of mine saw me walking one day. "Where's the cane?" he asked. He snorted when I informed him that I was walking 'fine' without it. "What does the doctor say?" he asked. I growled at him.
I've gone back to using the cane for walking any distance when the dog is home. It helps. The cane helps me judge where the ground is. I am steadier with it than without.
And I am good with that.
sapphoq healing traumatic brain injury
I've succeeded in injuring my back twice in a month. After the first injury, there was a spot in the middle of my lower back that had spasms for three weeks. Out came the TENS Unit. I was glad that I had one [purchased for me after the motor vehicle accident which had insulted my brain into her present condition].
A few days after the spasms stopped, I fell. When I do fall, I tend to fall to the right. I am still having trouble with uneven ground. This time, I fell on my back. I was not a happy camper. My neck muscles kicked into automatic and strained forward in order to avoid a whiplash. A week after this, I consented to sign up for physical therapy.
I had my eval this week. I learned several things. There was good news and not so good news. The good news was that my hips were fairly strong and that the p.t. folks would work with me on some balance exercises and my uneven ground issue. The bad news was that my falling had more to do with my perception problems [courtesy of the brain damage... le sigh] and that my right side, all these years later, was still showing evidence of having been far more injured during the accident than my left side. I've worked very hard through the years and to find out that bit of news did not exactly thrill me. Brain damage sucks. Oh well. I am alive to complain about it. That is something. Beats the alternative.
I was given a sheet of exercises to do at home. That was something I had requested. Some of them target the latest back injury. Some of them target my very tight hamstrings. Yeah, I did them today. Yes, when I go to physical therapy I work very hard to derive the greatest benefit from it that I can.
Meanwhile, I have renewed my commitment to myself in terms of healthy eating habits, sleep, and exercise. I am worth it. This body is not the body that I came into the world with. Likewise, Briella [still brilliant but a bit sideways] is not the brain that I came into the world with. Shit happens and it is up to me to make the best of it. Whining is ineffective. I cannot be who I used to be. I might as well keep striving to do the best I can with this particular set of cards that I've been dealt with.
sapphoq healing t.b.i. says: I've done my share of screaming and crying. I've been at this for quite awhile. The grief and sorrow that I went through after realizing that my battered brain was not going to revert to the brain that I used to know was a very necessary grief and sorrow. Because I've been at this for quite awhile, I am no longer overwhelmed by the impact that my traumatic brain injury has on my life. Aside from the occasional bad moment, I pretty much keep myself moving forward as best I can these days.
