Lazy

I think I've talked about this one before.  But I will talk about it again anyways.

I used to go to a t.b.i. support group on Saturdays run by one of us.  We used to talk about stuff that got in our way and how to work around that stuff.

One Saturday [or maybe more than one Saturday] I was talking about my laziness.  The survivor-facilitator encouraged me to think of this as something that came out of my brain damage i.e. my messed up neurology.  I rejected this and still do reject this thinking.  Here's why.

If I claim that something is organic and arising from my traumatic brain injury, then I am saying that it cannot be fixed.  That I have to work around it.  I refuse to believe this of my laziness.

I am willing to admit that perhaps the brain injury made my laziness worse, or makes it harder to deal with.  I know I have some problems with initiation now.  That I can identify as being from the brain damage.  I know that I also have brain-related fatigue and that particular ailment called "fibro" as evidenced by all of the trigger points that I have.  Fine.  But laziness as a function of my brain damage? -- no.

My laziness is mine.  I own it.  You will not deprive me of it.  When I say that I am lazy and not "my brain damage causes me to be inert," I am claiming some hope for myself that I can change this.  So yeah, I am lazy.

What do I mean when I say I am lazy? I am lazy about doing housework, throwing out stuff, organizing my belongings. And not lazy? I am not lazy about walking the dog, doing laundry, doing anything on the computer.  In other words, if I like it I will do it.  If it is not interesting, I won't.

I've tried to make charts and todo lists of stuff to do everyday-- like organizing, throwing away papers, and some form of housework.  The end result is that I can make wonderful charts.  I just cannot follow them.  [This may be related to my inability to follow a pattern for crochet but I can make my own patterns].  So the chart thing just isn't working for me at this time.  I've tried "attaching emotion" to the stuff I want to get done, like playing music during housework [suggested in the t.b.i. support group] but I would forget to play the music.  The end result was I didn't get much of any housework done.

I've read in a few places that developing a new habit takes thirty days or something.  The new approach is to take each thing that I want to do and endeavor to do it every weekday.  I've actually had better success with that. 

I am also tapping into my determination.  That same determination that I used in order to learn how to rewrite understandable sentences is still available to me today.  That same determination that drives me to research a story or event or organization is part of me.  That same determination that caused the head of investigations at my own job to refer to me as a bulldog did not die during my car accident.  I know I am determined.  Choosing to use my determination to combat my laziness is working for me.  And that is what I am doing.

Things may be more difficult for me to accomplish at times due to complications from my brain injury.  I do have problems with initiation, organization, and fatigue.  I also have this determination stuff.  If I believe that I am more than my problems, then I can do more than my problems.  I do not have to live like an blob void of all adult responsibility, only doing stuff that I want to do and ignoring the rest.  This is not a fantasy land.  Houses get dirty and disorganized when not taken care of.  Even if I was to hire a housekeeper [again-- I had one for awhile a few summers ago when things were bad], there is still stuff that I have to do.

So I am using my determination in order to conquer my laziness.  And screw the rest.

sapphoq healing t.b.i.

INTIMIDATION AND MOTIVATION 2/12/07

Rather unfortunate this whole question of motivation and the traumatic brain injury survivor. I suspect that I am not the only t.b.i.-er in the universe with disappearing motivation. The problem lies in intimidation. The world is noisy and multi-tasking. I am neither. Now finding my new true self even more out of step with society as a whole than I used to be, introspection and deep dark thoughts are now the norm. Or to put it another way-- the laziness factor.

I have written about this problem before. Laziness is composed of many facets. We have the sit factor, the sit-and-pitch-numerous-bitches factor, the mystic-meditator factor, and the oh-hell-I-think-I'll-just-sleep factor. Reality can be intimidating to those of us who are now content with or have to make do with single-tasking. Since I am not prepared to argue that reality is entirely subjective, I must leave behind the fantasy world of the quick-fix and the get-rich-now. We are indeed human beings and not human-doers as the old saw goes. I find that being usually does not exist outside of a context. Thus the backdrop of doing cannot be eliminated.

Intimidation. Change is intimidating. A messy house-- or rather, the prospect of cleaning it up and organizing-- is intimidating. Taking risks is risky. Am I better off hanging with bunches of people who have no ambition or hanging with people who do have ambition in healthy measure? Is it better to keep the peace or to hold one's own in an argument? Is intimidation the indication of time to run off and hide or the measure of inner strength?

Questions, questions, questions. These questions do have answers. If I want something different, I must do something different. The old ways and the learned new ways do not work. Change I must. And so I look intimation squarely in the eye and I laugh!

sapphoq healing tbi