Oh Go Stuff Your Happy Happy Joy Joy

Today, as usual, I was tired.  I slept deeply last night.  I ran out of energy mid-afternoon and slept for two hours.  With dreams.  This is the fatigue that does not let up.

Different things throughout the day gave me wholeness.  A house wren singing a mating song.  The new kitten jumping up to the toilet paper roll, neatly tearing off one sheet, and tasting it.  The happy dog ready for another walk in the quiet neighborhood.  Smells of a stir-fry drifting into the bedroom from the kitchen.  Clean sheets and washing machine and a cat in a curled up in a basket and a full tank of gas and the stillness of my thoughts.

Different things assaulted my irritable brain today.  An acquaintance with a too-loud voice and a message that he felt compelled to "share" with the rest of us.  The infiltration of New Age batshit woo-woo into conversations held by those that I was surrounded by.  A feeling that I didn't belong.  I could not relate.  The fish stinks from the head back.

I want to run away.  I want to go to the triple A and point out places I'd like to see on the map and buy train tickets and hotel reservations.  I want to pack a light bag with a set of wash-and-wear quick drying clothing, a few toiletries, and a second pair of shoes.  I want to travel alone and break bread with people that I've never met.  I want to go to a park and dance to music with the crowds.  I want to eat at a small diner away from the masses.  I want to hang with the common people in strange places.  I want to journey to more places where I've never been and retrieve more pieces of my soul from those places.

I want to have hope.  I want to have hope that is real hope based on realistic probabilities.  I am tired of the false hopes pedaled by the professionals who think they know better than I do what I want.  I am tired of settling.  I've done far too much settling before my brain damage was inflicted upon me.  I am done with settling.  I am anger.  I am rage.  I do not yet know what my true options are.  I must go find them myself.  Because the cast of helping players bombed the stage.  The play did not hold my interest.  I am wandering out of the theater.

Today, as usual, I was tired.  Today, as usual, I sought a place of people where I belong and I could not find it.  Today, as usual, I became anger and rage within my own true self.  Today, as usual, I felt the sadness and the grief of dreams that do not let up. 

sapphoq healing t.b.i.