Compensation

Compensation is a healthy acknowledgement that a certain limitation or weakness does ipso facto exist and therefore we work around that limitation or weakness.  The unfortunate reality of brain damage-- traumatic brain injury in politer society-- is that some things will not get better, improve, or disappear no matter how much of an effort we put into making it so.  Some things do improve.  And some things don't.

We don't like to hear those words.  The trouble with the phrase "permanent damage" is inherent in both the word "permanent" and in the word "damage."  Permanent implies permeance.  In spite of my determination and my best efforts, the double vision in my left eye is permanent.  In spite of my determination and my best efforts, my brain may improve in some areas of functioning however she [I named her Briella: still brilliant, just a bit sideways now is all] will never ever be the same as or similar to my pre-accident brain.



Here are some things that I am sick of hearing in no particular order:

The brain re-wires itself. 
Yes, but not in the same way.  Where we used to have freeways we now have dirt roads and dead ends.  The dead ends are when regenerating dendrites don't find another one to hook up with.  I have a central nervous system tremor as a result of that.

There is nothing wrong with you. 
 I hope you never have to live through anything like this.  Your denial is a luxury that can kill me.  Bunches of professionals have told me exactly "what is wrong" with me.  I have a list of diagnoses now.  Bottom line is that most of the things on the list are a complication of my brain damage.

You had those difficulties before. 
My brain damage made a few of my pre-existing difficulties worse and one pre-existing difficulty easier.  It's easier for me to throw stuff out now because I don't remember where or when I got it or why I wanted it.  Since when did you get a PhD in Neurology or something related?

I know what you mean.  Sometimes I can't ___________ either.
Jealous much?  You really do not know what I mean.  I have these difficulties day after day, every day.  Your "sometimes" is meaningless to me.  Almost nothing is automatic for me now.  Wrap your undamaged brain around that one.

Yoga [or ______________ ] will fix it.
No, it will not.  The stiffness that I have is from cerebellar damage.  Look it up.  There is no magic pill.  There is no magic drug.  There is no magic guru.  There is no magic exercise.  There is no magic anything.



But some things have gotten better.  I have learned to tell people to hang on a minute while I am engaged in a task, to rest on demand, to challenge myself, to keep moving, to write in meaningful, grammatical constructions called sentences, to ask my friend "Who is that?"

I have learned to remember to look to the left at a stop sign.  I affixed a brightly colored sticker to the windshield at the spot that I kept neglecting to look at.  Now, remembering to look there is almost automatic.  For the first two years, it was not.

I have learned to curtail my night driving in the name of safety and photophobia.

I have learned to substitute a similar sounding word when I cannot make my mouth say the word that I want to say.  Or when I cannot make my brain retrieve the word that I do want.

I have learned to curse less.  I do not substitute words like "heck" or "darn" for the words that I want to say.  I can stop myself almost all of the time now from cursing.

I have learned to ask for help when I need it.

And I have learned to compensate for the weaknesses that I have due to my brain damage.  A sticker on the windshield is a compensation.  Not driving at night is a compensation.  Word substitution is a compensation.  Stopping myself instead of cursing is a compensation.  Asking for help is a compensation.



Here are a few things that do not work for me:

Modeling "appropriate" behavior and expecting me to catch on does not work.  Unless you point it out to me with words, I will not get what you are doing.  Unless I decide that I want to change something [like my cursing], I will tell you where you can stick your "appropriate" behavior.

Demanding that I do stuff that I cannot do safely does not work.  You can expect me to shovel the snow all that you want to.  Believe me, I want to help you shovel the snow.  I have spinal damage.  I can move snow around with my old beat-up car.  I cannot safely shovel show.  Hire someone to do it.  Get a plow.  Use the snowblower.  Piss on it.  Whatever.  I will not shovel the snow.  I have been advised of my physical limitations.  That I cannot safely shovel the snow should not be a newsflash.  I am not interested in what you think about this.  It's called self-preservation.

Not telling me why you are angry or exasperated with me or with something I am doing does not work.  It's a guarantee that I don't know why you are exasperated with me.  Sometimes I may not even be aware that you are exasperated.  Saying, "I'm sick of this," and ending a friendship and not telling me what you are sick of does not offer me any feedback whatsoever.  Expecting me to be more than civil to you when you run into me in a public place several years later is unreasonable.  I've been through too much to be interested in playing that particular kind of game.  I've lost better friends than you due to the aftermath of my brain damage.  What's one more?

Expecting me to believe in your belief system does not work.  Preaching at me will cause me to tune you out.  Telling me that life is meaningless without your particular flavor of philosophy or "spirituality" just makes me say, "Huh?"  Expounding on the false notion that there is no morality without your particular god will cause laughter and merriment.  And you are going to argue a finer point of theology or recovery or even neurology with me, please construct a logical argument without any cognitive fallacies.  I don't have time to waste on mental masturbation.

And finally, trolling without any real skillz does not work.  If you are a troll, then be an epic troll.  If you can't hang with the 4chan crowd, then don't co-opt the vocabulary.



I have brain damage.  I am not brain dead.  I continue to do brain game type stuff and visual training and physical therapy exercises.  I know who I am and I know what I am.  I keep striving in spite of.  There is no room in my life for the willfully ignorant.  I have learned how to compensate for many of my difficulties.  If you aren't going to help me, then get out of my way.

sapphoq on healing t.b.i.