There is a drive in me to find people to connect with. Yet somehow my efforts are often futile. I am the unconnected, the untouchable one in a society that shuns the atypical. And yet what choice is there? It is between finding something to connect with, if not someone; and sitting in a rusted broken down automobile staring at the railroad tracks knowing that the freight trains just aren't fast enough. Oh tragic despair! Of what is the stuff of neurology that leads me to this place where
even the loners dare not go? I who was once so full of promise watch as my dreams slowly turn to dust.
As my dreams dwindle, obesity takes over and balloons obscenely-- trapping me in folds of putrid flesh-- until I am unrecognizable. Diets failed. Lifestyle changes failed miserably. This is who I am today. I define myself by numbers on a scale. Society defines me by my non-existent paycheck.
When I was working, I had arrived several times but I hated it. Now that I am not working, I no longer have teary outbursts or meltdowns. I am old and my body is falling apart. "So where are you working now?" Fuck you. Thanks for still believing in me when I don't believe in myself.
And fuck you. And fuck you too. The stupid VESID morons told me lies. They strung me along for three years. Three VESID "counselors." The cunt I used to smoke pot with when we were co-workers. The man with a handshake like a dead fish. The new one with no discernible personality. All of you left me to rot. And I let you do it. That is my largest failure.
My get up and go and my AC-shun Ac-shun drum drum A-C-T drum drum I-O-N were casualties of sheared neuronic pathways and synapses which no longer have any electrical charge. "Get out of bed," my elderly aunt tells me over the telephone wire. "Get dressed." I do. I just keep forcing myself. Any alternative is worse.
Waiting. Waiting until I feel well. Waiting until I feel well enough to. Waiting until I feel. Waiting until. Doesn't work. I know this as truth from my past. I remember.
And so I get up. Get dressed. Spend time on the computer. Take care of the dog, cats, frogs, fish. Blog about my reluctance to do housework and my severe procrastination. And then I force myself to do something. Anything. Sweep the floors. Pick up. Move things around. Spent too easily, I sleep. Get up again. Force myself to do more. Buy the newspaper. Look for a part-time job that I might be able to stand doing. Call the 55b/c personnel office to ask what I can do to expedite the getting of a state job.
Perhaps dreaming isn't so elusive after all. Hope is not dead entirely. I lean over, adjusting the ankle braces against my white athletic socks. I breathe. And I begin the task at hand. Building my life anew.
sapphoq healing t.b.i.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Drunken Principal Principles 1/12/07
An Indiana school principal, Scott Syverson, was stopped on December 22, 2007 by an officer. Dr. Syverson was drunk. The police officer was told to use his discretion, so he elected to have the principal driven home rather than arresting him. A prosecutor later fixed that by filing charges. The principal is currently on administrative leave until sometime in February when the school board will meet.
Of note particularly is this letter written by Lorrie Bjornstad about what could have happened:
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080112/OPINION01/801120386/-1/LOCAL17
but didn't. Well, it did happen to her daughter. Although Principal Scott Syverson was not the cause of her daughter's traumatic brain injury, he could have been. The driver who did was also intoxicated and also drove that way after a party celebrating the beginning of Christmas/Winter vacation.
(The school board member who had hosted the party that Dr. Syverson attended has said that he did not appear to be impaired upon leaving her home-- self-serving interest? perhaps. The official trouble was that he and two other buddies had gone on to a pub and stayed there for two more hours. Regardless of where he was when his blood alcohol level rose above what is allowed by the State of Indiana, the point remains. Dude was drunk. Dude could have gifted Lorrie Bjorstad's daughter with her t.b.i.)
Dr. Scott Syverson should suffer the consequences of his actions legally; and professionally depending upon the policies of the school board. Additionally, he should be required to get treatment before resuming any duties at any school in the state in any capacity. There should be no extra punishment or no lesser punishment than that afforded to anyone else caught driving drunk.
Having the "disease" of alcoholism or any other addiction-- sorry disease concept fans. I am an old diehard who maintains that it is a condition-- should not be used to excuse bad behavior, period. I fully support Drug Court because there are specific stringent requirements which must be met there and participants have a real chance of turning their lives around. I hope that the principal winds up in a drug court program after serving some jail time and I hope that his being a prominent public figure in his town will not interfere with any consequences of his actions.
Active addiction sucks. Having to live with a traumatic brain injury also sucks.
It's "nice" I suppose that some students are circulating a petition in support of their principal. My sympathies are not with the principal. My sympathies lie with every victim of every driver who has gotten behind the wheel of any transport vehicle while drunk or high or both. Some of us live. Some of us die. Some of us live and our lives and brains are forever changed.
sapphoq healing t.b.i.
Of note particularly is this letter written by Lorrie Bjornstad about what could have happened:
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080112/OPINION01/801120386/-1/LOCAL17
but didn't. Well, it did happen to her daughter. Although Principal Scott Syverson was not the cause of her daughter's traumatic brain injury, he could have been. The driver who did was also intoxicated and also drove that way after a party celebrating the beginning of Christmas/Winter vacation.
(The school board member who had hosted the party that Dr. Syverson attended has said that he did not appear to be impaired upon leaving her home-- self-serving interest? perhaps. The official trouble was that he and two other buddies had gone on to a pub and stayed there for two more hours. Regardless of where he was when his blood alcohol level rose above what is allowed by the State of Indiana, the point remains. Dude was drunk. Dude could have gifted Lorrie Bjorstad's daughter with her t.b.i.)
Dr. Scott Syverson should suffer the consequences of his actions legally; and professionally depending upon the policies of the school board. Additionally, he should be required to get treatment before resuming any duties at any school in the state in any capacity. There should be no extra punishment or no lesser punishment than that afforded to anyone else caught driving drunk.
Having the "disease" of alcoholism or any other addiction-- sorry disease concept fans. I am an old diehard who maintains that it is a condition-- should not be used to excuse bad behavior, period. I fully support Drug Court because there are specific stringent requirements which must be met there and participants have a real chance of turning their lives around. I hope that the principal winds up in a drug court program after serving some jail time and I hope that his being a prominent public figure in his town will not interfere with any consequences of his actions.
Active addiction sucks. Having to live with a traumatic brain injury also sucks.
It's "nice" I suppose that some students are circulating a petition in support of their principal. My sympathies are not with the principal. My sympathies lie with every victim of every driver who has gotten behind the wheel of any transport vehicle while drunk or high or both. Some of us live. Some of us die. Some of us live and our lives and brains are forever changed.
sapphoq healing t.b.i.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Brain Injuries and P.T.S.D. 12/25/07
Several articles have cropped up declaring that brain injuries "cure" Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In reading through them, I found that what they meant to say is that brain injuries demonstrated in either of two specific areas of the brains of research subjects lessen the incidence of P.T.S.D. The two areas are the amygdala and the vmPFC or the ventromedial prefrontal cortex. The research results reported are actually fairly impressive. Folks with insults to the amygdala had zero incidence of P.T.S.D. And only 18% of folks with insults to the vmPFC developed P.T.S.D.
No one is planning to go out and deliberately inflict brain injuries upon those with P.T.S.D. The idea of surgery to insert clips to dull activity in one or both areas is rather uninviting. Use of magnetic stuff is more palatable but also more suspect as junk science.
Nothing reported over on Medscape yet so it is too early for me to get excited.
sapphoq healing t.b.i.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/23/AR2007122300601.html
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071224124639.htm
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Brain_injury_may_be_a_cure_for_PTSD/
articleshow/2647593.cms
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/dec/24/medicalresearch.neuroscience
No one is planning to go out and deliberately inflict brain injuries upon those with P.T.S.D. The idea of surgery to insert clips to dull activity in one or both areas is rather uninviting. Use of magnetic stuff is more palatable but also more suspect as junk science.
Nothing reported over on Medscape yet so it is too early for me to get excited.
sapphoq healing t.b.i.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/23/AR2007122300601.html
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071224124639.htm
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Brain_injury_may_be_a_cure_for_PTSD/
articleshow/2647593.cms
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/dec/24/medicalresearch.neuroscience
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